Thirteenth Step
by The Character's Death
Summary: From the creative literary mind that brought you "Dear Agony" and "Of Princes And Street Walkers" comes a tale of sorrow and regret set to the tone of one of the best musical albums created by mortal men. Disclaimer: I don't own Fruits Basket...Yuki Sohma...or Maynard James Keenan...pity me. *Complete*
1. The Package

**A/N: Okay, children! New pet project! I recommend that this segment be paired with the youtube video "A Perfect Circle-Thirteenth Step (Full Album)" by Aaron Fraser. So strap yourselves in and enjoy the ride.**

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It had started innocently enough. Sneaking pain reliever he wasn't supposed to have from Hatori when _he_ wasn't looking. And only after particularly vicious beatings…when he couldn't handle the pain on his own. He didn't want to get the doctor in trouble for asking…because he knew. He _knew_ Hatori would just give it to him if he asked. But the desires and cravings for numbness…and escape…had begun to enforce their own will upon him. What was it they say? The best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray... That, or the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Either way, things had gotten worse. But…it…had started innocently enough…

_Clever got me this far_

_Then tricky got me in_

He walked quietly down the hall to his cousin's office, knowing that Hatori would be busy tending to _him_…or so he had thought before his hand had opened the door. His mistake.

_Eye on what I'm after_

_I don't need another friend_

A carefully constructed smile graced his lips, the mask he shared with the world as his eyes took in the stern expression of his cousin. He hadn't counted on this. How was he going to get what he needed now? He would have to come back later…but…would he be able to hold on that long? Would he be able to hold it back? This sick knot in his stomach that cried out for release.

_Smile and drop the cliché_

_'Till you think I'm listening_

"Yuki?" The monotone voice broke him from his internal scheming. "Are you okay?" And Yuki once again focused on his cousin's face, noticing his expression had shifted to one of concern.

"Huh?" Yuki responded, trying to piece together exactly when and where his cousin's expression had changed.

"I asked if you needed something from me?" Harori's words came slow, his expression guarded, gaging Yuki's actions with careful vigilance.

"…oh…" Yuki murmured, his gaze shifting to the floor in an attempt to collect his thoughts and devise another plan. "No." He whispered, his eyes shifting back to his cousin's concerned expression. "I'm fine. I'll just be on my way. Sorry to have bothered you." And with that he dismissed himself from Hatori's office…planning…whispering…hoping he hadn't been discovered.

_I take just what I came for_

_Then I'm out the door again_

That day found him barely held together. Words whispered in tender, hushed tones, going blow for blow and worse with any amount of physical abuse his body could have been put through. Could have…but wasn't. Not today. But the damage was done. The pain was there. Words so hurtful and destructive that the pain had nearly hollowed him out. Settling underneath his skin like a flesh eating virus. Consuming him. Leaving nothing but an empty shell…and a need.

_Peripheral on the package_

_Don't care to settle in_

Yuki knew that Hatori kept more potent pharmaceuticals to manage _his_ care and wellbeing. And he knew exactly where to find them. So many times he had been in this office for his own wounds…his own pain. So many times. How many times was he made better and tossed back as a play toy? Entering uninvited, his thoughts turned into cravings. He wanted it. Oh how he wanted it. Needed it. This all-encompassing hunger coming ravenous, tearing at him from the inside threatening to come out.

_Time to feed the monster_

_I don't need another friend_

Having watched Hatori carefully for years…he knew what to do. He had learned. The tightness of the elastic band was uncomfortable, making his arm numb…but it was bearable. And soon he would have what he really wanted. What he knew nothing else could accomplish. A sense of release…of comfort. Strange, how for so long he had foolishly looked to others for comfort, when it had been here all along…just waiting for him.

_Comfort is a mystery_

_Crawling out of my own skin_

The sharp pain of his cruel mistress was quickly replaced by the warmth that traveled up his arm and into his chest as he closed his eyes. A lover's embrace that was far sweeter than anything he could have imagined or hoped for. No matter how bad he had been. How vile and wrenched a creature he believed himself to be. This lover would never turn away from him. Ever. That was its promise. Yuki bound himself to his newfound lover, becoming completely helpless in its hold as his thick lashes fluttered against unconsciousness. Oh how this love left him exhausted…but…it quieted the voices in his head and offered a moment's rest. Only for a moment. That's all he asked for.

_Just give me what I came for_

_Then I'm out the door again_

"What's going on, Yuki?" A low, monotone voice disturbed this perfect moment of peace as Yuki struggled to open his eyes.

_Lie to get what I came for_

He was going to have to lie to Hatori.

_Lie to get just what I need_

He was going to have to lie to keep his lover.

_Lie to get what I crave_

He was going to have to lie to keep their secret.

_Lie and smile to get what's mine_

A low giggle worked its way through his lips as he laid his head back and closed his eyes again, not having the energy or strength to care that he had finally been caught. He had already partaken of this stolen gift, a lover's kiss. And it wasn't like Hatori could actually _make_ him give it back. Another giggle caused a tremor to pass through his body as he pictured the absurdity of that. Giving it back. It was funny.

_Eye on what I'm after_

_I don't need another friend_

He took in a shuttered breath, faint and weak as he focused on the low hum of Hatori's voice. No doubt chastising him on the hazards of his choices…but the words rose and fell with the hum of his voice and Yuki couldn't understand a word he was saying. He didn't care. Let him be. He was happy now.

A sharp slap to his face caused Yuki's eyes to fly open as his gaze blurred and focused on his cousin's face.

"Wake up, Yuki!" Hatori hissed, and Yuki simply blinked as a slow smile worked its way along his pale lips.

"I'm awake already…let me sleep." He murmured, another giggle of contentment passing his lips as his lashes fluttered under the weight of his lover…another slap causing a scowl to form across his face.

"Okay…I'm awake. You can stop hitting me now." Yuki grumbled, his gaze finding his cousin's face again.

_Nod and watch your lips move_

_If you need me to pretend_

Yuki felt the weight of his body moved and lifted from the ground. Had he been on the ground? He didn't remember going to the floor…but…his lover often left him places he didn't remember going. A cruel mistress indeed. Another smile crossed his lips. He liked it this way. He deserved this. To be left on the floor. Why couldn't he just stay? There were no expectations of excellence and perfection here.

_Because clever got me this far_

_Then tricky got me in_

"Let me go." He whimpered feebly…feeling himself drug out of his lover's embrace.

"I need to get you somewhere safe." The monotone voice murmured in his ear…but Yuki knew that place didn't exist.

_I'll take just what I came for_

_Then I'm out the door again_

A course sob broke its way through his lips as he felt the pain of awareness pressing itself against him. He had wanted to stay. He had wanted to stay on his knees, where he belonged. He didn't want to have to get back up and try again. Couldn't he have stayed just a bit longer? Hadn't he earned just a moment more? But his lover had left him with another lie as the warmth of its embrace left him cold and alone.

_Lie to get what I came for_

_He_ had lied all of the times he told Yuki he loved him. Yuki knew this. Love couldn't _possibly_ be that painful.

_Lie to get what I need now_

Hatori had lied all of the times he told Yuki he would keep him safe…just as he lied now. Yuki knew this, too. He was never safe.

_Lie to get what I'm craving_

All of the kind words Tohru had ever spoken were probably lies to… Yuki knew. He _knew_ that there was nothing left in him to love. It had all been taken away, bit by bit. There was no way Tohru could possibly love something so wrenched.

Lying on his side where Hatori had left him, the bitterness of reality began to sink in. There was nothing left of him…except an aching need. A need that pulsed through his body and pulled him under. A need relentless and unwilling to be satisfied, no matter how hard he tried. Would it always be like this? Fighting between what he wanted and what he yearned for? Had he not made them one in the same?

The harsh tone of Hatori's voice shattered his thoughts as his empty gaze met that of his cousin's. Hatori wanted answers. And…so did he.

_Lie and smile to get what's mine_

"How long have you been stealing morphine from me?" Hatori's voice came angry as his cold gaze narrowed on Yuki's blank features. "How long?"

"When did you finally notice?" Yuki retorted, his words coming hollow.

"I've had my suspicions for a while now." Hatori murmured seriously. "But today was the first time I was absolutely certain." His eyes came steady, hiding something, but what?

"Well then…" Yuki's voice came above a whisper. "…I guess I started stealing from you today." Yuki retorted, attempting to search Hatori's face…he was definitely hiding something.

"This isn't a joke, Yuki!" Hatori spat.

"I never said it was." Yuki responded, still searching…so close to the answer.

"Do you even realize what you're doing to yourself?" Hatori growled, his features becoming less guarded as his composure began to melt away like ice in the spring.

"That's not the question you should be asking…" Yuki quipped. "The question isn't about realization or understanding of the gravity of my situation…is it." He continued, slowly chipping away at Hatori's armor. "The real question is 'do I even _care_ what I'm doing to myself.'" There it was, a flash…a glimmer across Hatori's face…a tell.

"So, the answer to your _real_ question is no…I don't care. I haven't for a _very_ long time. But…" Yuki whispered, a faint smile working its way along his lips at his newfound discovery. "…you _do_, don't you. You care." And with the destructive force of a turbulent storm Hatori's face fell at Yuki's words and accusations. "You knew what I was doing and you blame yourself for not stopping me when you had the chance." The twist of the blade…Yuki would make him feel this. "You find yourself just as guilty as I am…_don't_ you?" Yuki watched as Hatori helplessly bled out…remorse…regret…guilt at the monster he had helped create.

"Worse yet…I bet you can even take a great guess as to how we _got_ here…_can't_ you!" Yuki hissed, ripping the blade out and viciously wounding his cousin again. "You could have helped me, Hatori…but you didn't. Just like my brother. You turned a blind eye to _everything_! You lied for _him_, at _my_ expense! And _now_ look at what's happened. You didn't help me then…but…" He paused, his amethyst gaze burrowing into his cousin's guilty expression…he had found his in…his way to continue this dangerous love affair. "You _will_ help me now."

_Give this to me_

_Mine, mine, mine_

_Take what's mine_

_Mine, mine, mine_

_Take what's mine_

_Mine, mine, mine_

"You will give me what I want, Hatori." Yuki murmured lowly. "You will give me what's mine. You _owe_ me this." And as he peered into Hatori's eyes he knew that the battle was won…for now.

And so, an uneasy alliance was made that night.

_Lie to get what I came for_

They would lie to _him_.

_Lie to get what I need now_

Yuki would keep his lover.

_Lie to get what I crave_

Hatori would arrange their meetings.

_Lie to smile and get what's mine_

Everything was as it should be. Yuki would be taken to the ground again…right where he belonged. And now. Now he would have help.

_Give this to me_

_Take what's mine_

_Mine, mine, mine_

_Take what's mine_

_Give this to me_

There was truth in the saying 'misery loves company.' But, Yuki had always found that phrase lacking in something essential. Thinking to himself…taking in Hatori's guilt and final defeat…the phrase seemed to need more. 'Misery loves company…that is also miserable.' And how he would make Hatori suffer.

_Take what's mine, take what's mine, mine..._

_Take what's mine, take what's mine, take what's mine,_

_This is mine, mine, mine…_

Never again would he be separated from his lover's embrace. Ever. That was now his promise.

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**A/N: Lyrics featured in this chapter are from the song, "The Package" by A Perfect Circle.**


	2. Weak And Powerless

He practically ran to his room, slamming the door shut behind him. Labored gasps passed through his lips as he felt the whole world threatening to crumble around him. He was slipping. Falling. Drowning. It had been days since Hatori had refused to help him. Separating him from his lover. So he had no other choice but to take comfort in another. If his previous lover had been a cruel mistress…well…then this new consort was a sadistic, heartless bitch. It was _far_ more veracious and demanding on him. Taking up more of his time and effort.

_Tilling my own grave to keep me level_

It was taking all of his strength to make it through the day. It was becoming harder to focus. To see straight. To think. To breathe. He had to remind himself to breathe. Why couldn't he just _breathe_? He wanted to breathe. Oh how he just wanted to breathe. An agonized, shuttered breath trembled on his lips as he fell to his knees. His lover was calling to him. Calling him to come out and play. But…they never played fair. They always moved the ground from underneath his feet and watched him as he fell right on his ass. And he found himself liking this game less and less. He didn't want to play anymore.

But at this point he really had no other choice. He was bound hand and foot to this new lover. Hanging his head in defeat he rolled up the sleeve of his shirt. His forearm looked like a scoreboard of bruises. Times he had won. Times he had been satisfied. Times he had lost… Always keeping score. Just one more game. One more. Fifty-fifty odds. If his lover let him live…it was a good day. If he was pulled under completely…well…then he wouldn't have to play anymore, now would he.

_Jam another dragon down the hole_

Taking the needle to his arm, Yuki let out a low hiss. It was getting harder to find useful veins. He'd have to try again. Play again. Taking the needle out he found another place on his arm, the sharp point pushing through a painful bruise as tears uncontrollably stung his eyes. Sorry. Try again. The bitch was laughing at him now. It had him right where it wanted him. On his knees, crawling like the wretched creature he was. Desperate. Begging.

_Digging to the rhythm and the echo of a solitary siren_

A light sheen of sweat covered his skin as he began to shake. Feeling the sick knot in his stomach twist and turn as he plunged the needle in again, a feeble whimper passed through his lips. But he couldn't stop now. The game had started…and he was petty enough to want to finish it. Try again.

_One that pushes me along and leaves me so,_

_Desperate and Ravenous_

_So weak and powerless over you_

He was only vaguely aware of the world around him. The world he had decided to distance himself from a long time ago. His brother had been in the kitchen with Shigure when he had come home from school. That's right. That bastard was still here. _That's_ why he had come. _That's_ what had brought him here now. Playing this vicious game…one he was losing. Damn…he was losing. Everything. Giving up on his arm…he moved to a fresh playing field.

_Someone feed the monkey while I dig in search of China_

Removing his shoes and socks Yuki gave a hollow smile. The bitch didn't see this one coming. Now it was his turn to laugh. Fresh ground had been found. A chance for a small victory. The playing field had been moved. The ground shifted. Spreading his toes apart, Yuki curled in on himself and plunged the needle straight into the soft flesh between his toes. Push that bitch in. He had won.

_White as Dracula as I approach the bottom_

Laying himself on the floor, he felt the warmth spread, the tender lover's embrace. It was playing nice today. It had been appeased by his suffering, and now it gave him release. Holding him. Pulling him in. Pulling him down. Congratulating him on a game well played. That's how this all worked. In life, as in love, his agony was rewarded. Pain first. Always first. That's what this new mistress demanded of him. But…if he was lucky…

He began to feel his heart slow its pace as his body beckoned him to sleep. Just sleep. Free fall into nothingness. His breathing came shallow as he felt himself pulled down into the undertow. Maybe he had lost after all…

_Desperate and Ravenous_

_So weak and powerless over you_

Feeling himself losing consciousness under the heavy weight of his lover, he thought he heard the sound of a muffled voice crying out to him. Who? Who would search for this wretched lost soul now? Now, when he had finally won some peace of mind. Now that the voices in his head had stopped. Who would dare come to him as he was now? Happy. Content. Becoming helplessly heavy in his lover's arms.

A discontented moan passed through his pale, chalky lips as he felt fingers glide tenderly through his sweat dampened hair. He didn't want this. He didn't want to be touched. This wasn't part of the game. Just leave him be. Let him have his moment of peace. He had earned it. Had worked so fiercely to obtain it, and now it was being disturbed.

"Yuki!" The voice came concerned and almost hysterical. "Please wake up! Open your eyes! Please!" But he didn't want to wake up…that would mean starting all over again, and he just didn't have the energy anymore.

"Yuki!" His name was screamed, shattering through the fog of sleep as he took a sharp, labored breath in. "Open your eyes!" The voice came forceful, and Yuki found himself attempting to oblige simply to make the voice stop as his lashes fluttered and his vision finally focused on the face of Tohru…his Tohru…his angel.

He heard a sigh of relief pass her lips as he felt her cradle him gently in her arms. But…the embrace of his lover was far more gratifying, even with its painful consequences and harsh demands. His face paled as a small smile graced his lips. With the remaining strength he possessed, he parted his lips and breathed in the softest of whispers.

"Little angel go away. Come again some other day. The devil has my ear today. I'll never hear a word you say. He promised I would find a little solace, and some piece of mind. Whatever, just as long as I don't feel…" And with this message delivered, he watched as a wave of sorrow and grief washed over Tohru's face…the last thing he saw before he crawled back into the nothingness that awaited him.

_So…_

_Desperate and Ravenous_

_So weak and powerless_

_Desperate and Ravenous_

_So weak and powerless_

___Over you..._

Yuki had won this battle. He had reaped its rewards. And its glory. But he feared…and hoped…that for him, the war was finally over. Oh how he wanted it to be over.

_Over you..._

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**A/N: Lyrics featured in this chapter are from the song "Weak And Powerless" by A Perfect Circle. Again, I recommend that this segment be paired with the youtube video "A Perfect Circle-Thirteenth Step (Full Album)" by Aaron Fraser. And so continues my ode to one of the best albums ever made by man...**


	3. The Noose

**Definition of "Irony": The chapter where Yuki appears sober, I end up finishing with a glass of wine...**

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_So glad to see you well…_

He took in a deep breath as his gaze followed the ever changing scenery outside of the window…another knot working its way through his stomach. A different kind of knot. One he knew couldn't be alleviated so easily. Lifting his feet to the seat, curling in on himself, he wanted to become as small as possible…he wanted to disappear. And the level of harsh clarity in his mind and body only made things worse. He was no longer numb. Mentally. Physically. He felt everything. It was raw, loud, and painful. So painful. And now…now he was no longer removed from the world he had left. Wrapping his arms to hug his knees he managed to squeeze a sigh from deep inside himself, catching the attention of the person in the driver's seat.

_Overcome and completely silent…_

"You're going to be fine…" The monotone voice murmured…and Yuki desperately clung to those words, hoping they were true.

"Hatori…" Yuki whispered, keeping his gaze transfixed through the car window. "How much do they know?" His voice coming as small as he felt.

"Enough…" The simple response held so much weight, and Yuki buried his face in his knees, absorbing its impact…he couldn't do this…he wasn't ready.

"Does _he_ know?" Yuki whispered, the cold blade of panic scraping itself along his spine, supplanting and overwhelming the knot of anxiety in the pit of his stomach.

"Not yet…" Hatori murmured, keeping his gaze focused ahead, not needing to see the expression on Yuki's face to feel the sudden terror radiating from him.

"Are you going to say anything?" Yuki whimpered, feeling his world shrink and constrict around him.

"Not today." The words came calm, stilling Yuki's soul with the promise that Hatori would avoid saying anything for as long as he could.

_Now, with Heaven's help…_

It had taken a week to be pulled back into the land of the living. To be pulled back into the light. Seven short days…dragged out into an eternity of suffering. One week of pure, unadulterated horror. The physical pain alone was enough to bring him to his knees. Everything was too loud. Too bright. Too overwhelming. Like scalding water poured over raw, exposed nerves. But then there were the unrelenting cravings, unyielding in their desire to consume him completely. And the nightmares. The nightmares were the worst.

And now he was being tossed back into the turbulent sea of the world he had left…to the ones he had hurt. He wasn't ready. Taking another soothing breath in through his nose he released it as a sigh, determined not to falter. He couldn't afford to. But he knew. He knew it wouldn't be that easy. So he decided to start now. This place was as good as any to start over. To begin again.

_You cast your demons out…_

"Hatori…" He felt his voice quake and shutter in his throat, fearing the aftermath of his own words. "…I'm…" His features fell as he felt the immense gravity of what he needed to say. "I'm really sorry." And with another sigh he squeezed his eyes shut, waiting for the harsh recoil he so justly deserved.

"I know…" Hatori's voice came almost warm, with none of the vicious backlash Yuki had expected…and the two fell into silence once again…this was just the beginning.

_And not to pull your halo down,_

_Around your neck and tug you off your cloud…_

As they pulled up to Shigure's home, Yuki could see his cousin waiting for them from the front porch. Yuki watched his head move to call out to someone in the house before Yuki's brother came into complete view. Letting out a low hiss of distain, Yuki's amethyst gaze ripped itself violently from the scene to burn directly into Hatori's soul. If looks could kill…

"What in the _hell_ is _he_ doing here, Hatori…" Yuki uttered, his voice coming low, seething with bitter animosity and old memories.

"He wanted to welcome you back home." Came Hatori's blunt reply, his tone cold and indifferent to Yuki's anger.

"Why?" Exasperation poured off of Yuki as he continued to stare at his cousin, the two never leaving the car as it came to a complete stop. "It's not like he ever really cared about me! Why start pretending now?" Yuki wailed, teetering on the verge of hysterics.

"He was _there_, Yuki!" Hatori snapped, his words coming harsh as Yuki flinched, absorbing the verbal backhand. "He saw _everything_, and he's worried _sick_ about you." He continued, his veil of cold indifference faltering as he murmured lightly. "We all are…" At this Yuki averted his gaze from his cousin, a heavy wave of guilt and shame washing over him as he processed what this truly meant…nothing was the same…would ever be the same…ever.

_But I'm more than just a little curious_

_How you're planning to go about making your amends_

_To the dead…_

_To the dead…_

With a deep sigh of resignation, the two exited the car in silence, the light breeze catching and tenderly tousling Yuki's hair. It hurt. Everything hurt. His hair. His skin. His fingertips to the very nails. ….his heart…his soul… Knowing that he could never go back to the way things where. And as he took in the warm smile on Shigure's face…this thought was only solidified and carved straight into his heart. The smile, though warm and inviting, was fake…and held a level of sadness.

Every step he took along the path to the porch was agonizing. He wanted to turn away. Leave. Disappear. He wanted to vanish into nothingness…to become nothing. He was nothing. Shameful, pitiful, vile, weak, everything that he had ever been told through hushed whispers in dark corners. The voices were right. And as he glanced up to the sky he took in the silhouette of his cousin perched on the roof…his hateful crimson gaze only confirming what Yuki knew to be true.

_Recall the deeds as if they're all…_

Stepping up to the porch, amethyst eyes took in Shigure's careful expression. Ever so slowly, as one approaching a timid animal in an attempt on to spook it away, Shigure drew near to meet Yuki. As they stood in front of each other, Yuki could see the ever present questions and doubt flashing across his cousin's face. The doubt…that hurt most of all. Because he knew he had placed it there.

With slowed movements, Shigure wrapped his arms around Yuki in a hug…taking him completely off guard as every nerve ending ignited in pain. And although his expression furrowed slightly in discomfort Yuki didn't pull away, but leaned in deeper and rested his head on his cousin's shoulder. Despite the physical pain, it felt…nice…to be hugged. And as he allowed himself to absorb this unexpected warmth of affection, he heard Shigure's voice whisper gently in his ear.

_Someone else's atrocious stories…_

"It's good to have you back home." And at this one word…home…Yuki felt himself fighting back tears at the warm welcome he didn't deserve.

Looking over Shigure's shoulder, Yuki took in his brother's expression. It looked worn. Older. More solemn. But as their eyes met, he smiled. Not his obnoxious smile when he was completely and utterly proud of himself. Or when he was relishing in his own glory and magnificence. But…a gentle…serene…smile. One of calm relief. He was relieved…but…Yuki didn't quite understand why. He didn't really care about him. Had he actually been _that_ worried? As he was released from Shigure's tender embrace, he watched his brother approach with the same cautious steps.

"I would have come to see you sooner." Ayame spoke, his tone lithe as his gaze drifted past Yuki to the man standing behind him. "But Hari simply wouldn't allow it." Disappointment wavered on his tongue as his gaze drifted back to Yuki. "He said my 'insufferable demeanor' wouldn't do you any good…but…I really have _no_ idea what he's talking about." He finished, a small smile gracing his lips. "But I'm glad your back." And Yuki couldn't help but smile back…he would have to thank Hatori later.

_Now you stand reborn before us all_

_So glad to see you well_

"Why is that bastard back, Shigure?" Yuki heard the shrill insult, a sharp breath finding its way into his lungs. "He shouldn't _be_ here! Not after what he did." And at this Yuki turned to meet the crimson gaze of his cousin, already knowing that his accusations were true.

"_You_ shouldn't be here!" The voice screamed, crashing painfully into his consciousness…so loud…so bitter…so angry.

"I know." Yuki mumbled the truth, knowing he had no right in being welcomed back…not after what he had done.

_And not to pull your halo down_

_Around your neck and tug you to the ground_

"That's it? That's all you have to say? _'I know'_?" The words came harsh, flaying Yuki with their cold accusations…but he would endure this…he deserved this…this was the first _honest_ reaction to his grand homecoming.

_But I'm more than just a little curious_

_How you're planning to go about making your amends_

_To the dead…_

_To the dead…_

A sharp slap to the cheek ignited his face in flames as his head snapped to the side. There was no laps in-between the physical pain and the backlash of verbal abuse as more venom was hurled in his direction. Squeezing his eyes shut, absorbing every blow, the only coherent thought that crossed his mind was…finally…finally, he was getting what he deserved.

"You think you're so _damn_ perfect! _'I know'_…like _that's_ gonna fix anything? As if everything's _better_ now?" Yuki let the torrent wash over him, trying not to drown in its truth as he finally met the infuriated gaze of his cousin.

_With your halo slippin' down_

_Your halo slippin'…_

"That's not what I said, you _stupid_ cat…" Yuki muttered, his words coming as ice…cold…rehearsed…but lacking in conviction in the face of such accusations.

_Your halo slippin' down_

_Your halo slippin' down_

"You have _no_ idea what you've done…" The low hiss came violent in his ear as Kyo caged him against the wall, trapping him…forcing him to hear the truth. "…what you put _her_ through…you piece of_ shit_!" And at this Yuki felt himself falter and fall…the blade plunged into his heart.

_Your halo slippin' down_

_But I'm more than just a little curious_

_How you're planning to go about making your…_

"If you _ever_ hurt her like that again…" His cousin's voice continued its assault on his soul. "I swear I will kill you myself."

_Your halo slippin' down_

_But I'm more than just a little curious_

_How you're planning to go about making your…_

"Kyo, that's enough!" Shigure shouted, causing his cousin to finally release him as Yuki slumped to the floor.

"It's fine, Shigure…" Yuki murmured, his gaze kept to the floor before his attention was caught by movement in his peripheral.

_Your halo slippin' down_

_But I'm more than just a little curious_

_How you're planning to go about making your…_

Azure eyes met his…fleeting…hesitant…full of doubt and fear before they were gone. In the flash of a whirlwind. So much fear. So much pain. Yuki could accept Kyo's justified wrath. Welcomed it, in fact. It was what he deserved, after all. But…her. He had held out some hope for her… For her mercy, though he knew he didn't deserve it.

_Your halo slippin' down_

_But I'm more than just a little curious_

_How you're planning to go about making your amends…_

As Kyo stormed off, Yuki finally stood from the floor, finding his footing. With a glance of understanding from his cousin and brother, he made his way to his room in silence…wishing once again that he could just disappear. Vanish. Become nothing. He had been so close. So close…

_Your halo's slippin' down…_

Walking towards his room he again caught movement in his peripheral. Glancing in its direction, amethyst eyes met azure as he paused in the hall. There was so much to say. So much had happened. But no words would ever be enough…ever. He knew that. And…looking into her eyes…he knew she felt the same. But, he wanted to try. For her. For them. For what they use to be. As much as he knew…_knew_ that he didn't deserve it…he wanted her friendship again. Her trust. Her warmth. Her…love. He wanted her love. As unworthy as he was, he still wanted it.

"Tohru…" Her name came unsteady, feeling clumsy on his tongue, watching her expression shift and change as she violently shook her head and turned from him…the gentle click of her bedroom door shutting behind her, the sound of it deafening in the wake of the silence she left as he stood in the hallway…completely alone.

_Your halo's slippin' down,_

_To choke you now…_

* * *

**A/N: Featured lyrics in this chapter are from the song "The Noose" by A Perfect Circle. Again, I recommend that this segment be paired with the youtube video "A Perfect Circle-Thirteenth Step (Full Album)" by Aaron Fraser. I hope you all are enjoying the show so far!**


	4. Blue

**_Tacit Enabler_**_ - Supports another's bad habits by staying silent._

_Thus, rather than risk losing the love, respect, friendship or contact with the person, the enabler chooses instead to play it safe and watch the other slowly destroy themselves or others through their own actions._

_-www . urbandictionary . com_

_…this…is the enabler's lament…_

_…their song…_

_…their curse…_

* * *

Staring at him from across the dinner table, Shigure found his mind wandering. How could he have _not_ known. Known what was going on right in front of him. Yuki was intelligent…and clever to be sure. But…how could he have _not_ known. The secrets. The lies. The glances. The withdrawal. The nights Shigure knew for a fact he wasn't sleeping. The days he found him sleeping for no reason at all. How…? A wave of sadness and regret washed over him, his features furrowing into a small frown as he heard the voice of truth gently whisper out to him accusingly…

_I…_

_didn't want to know._

Watching him absentmindedly push the food around his plate, Shigure found himself thrown back to all of the times Yuki would return to him after visiting Akito at the main estate. It would take days for Yuki to begin looking him in the eye again. Days of silence. Flinching at the slightest sound or sudden movement. Shigure knew something was wrong every time Yuki came back. Something missing. Something ravaged and stolen from the boy. Always coming back with a little less of himself.

But Shigure would always remain steady in who he was, offering smiles and pointless conversation…never really asking the questions lingering in the air. Things always seemed to return to balance after some time. They always returned to how it should be. Things became easier. The questions waved away dismissively with the day's routine…but…watching Yuki as he was now Shigure began to wonder if that had really been the best course of action. The truth was…

_I just didn't want to know._

This time things would be different. He promised himself that. For Yuki's sake…things would be different. But he just couldn't figure out where to even begin. To help. He felt so very small and powerless. Completely in over his head…presented with a problem too big for him to solve. Every question he would begin to ask felt like a knife heartlessly driven into the boy, his features automatically contorting in guilt and shame. It only seemed to make things feel worse. So, Shigure kept his smile…moving through the days with Yuki as if nothing happened. But in the back of his mind he was always watching. Wondering. Waiting…for the sound of the other shoe dropping. It was exhausting.

_Best to keep things in the shallow end,_

_Cause I…never quite learned how to swim._

It was exhausting living in such harsh ambivalence. Searching his room to make sure he was safe while he was away at school. Pretending there was no reason for concern when he looked at him. Everything was fine now. He was back home. So Shigure would strain and stretch his smile across the lingering doubt. If things were wrong, he would be able to tell this time. He would know. This time things would be different. They would _have_ to be.

_I just…_

_didn't want to know._

He would know…

_Didn't want…_

_Didn't want…_

_Didn't want…_

_Didn't want…_

_Didn't want…_

As Yuki's amethyst gaze slowly rose from his plate of untouched food, Shigure offered him another warm smile. Practiced. Well-constructed. Yuki didn't need any more pressure than he was already undoubtedly putting on himself. All he needed was time. Space. A safe place to breathe and find himself again. Shigure could offer that to him. A safe refuge. That's what his home was…because…that's what Yuki needed…

A light smile returned. A nod of the head. A level of understanding. And more silence as they returned to their dinner.

_Close my eyes just to look at you,_

_Taken by the seamless vision._

Shigure found himself becoming increasingly…comfortable…with this new routine in his home. Tohru made meals for the grateful, hungry masses, and ate with Kyo while Shigure reclined with his tea enjoying the company of their idle banter. Enjoying the noise while waiting. Waiting for the silence to come as they departed from the table to make way for Yuki, who would take his place at the empty table…save for Shigure. And the two of them would eat together in silence. Sometimes exchanging glances. Sometimes smiles. Even more rarely…words. Peace. That's what this felt like. His home was finally at peace. Peace in the wake of silence… Deafening, suffocating, crushing silence…

_I…_

_close my eyes._

_Ignore the smoke…_

But Shigure couldn't help wonder from time to time…such as now…if things were really as perfect as they seemed to be. Continuing to watch Yuki poke at his now cold food…Shigure's heart began to fill with doubt. Was he playing with fire again? Tonight the dining room seemed to be filling with all the things the two of them _weren't_ saying. Was it all happening again? Shigure watched. Waiting…sensing…smelling smoke…

_Ignore the smoke…_

…and where there was smoke…

_Ignore the smoke…_

…there was fire…

_Call an optimist, she's turning blue,_

_Such a lovely color for you._

_Call an optimist, she's turning blue,_

_While I just sit and stare at you._

But he would know if it ever came to that again. He would keep his eyes open. Watching. Waiting. Wondering. He would be ready this time.

Until then, he would continue to believe the truth he saw with his own eyes. That things were better. They had made it through the darkness. Things were better. He wanted to believe that the worst was finally over…

_Because I don't want to know._

Yuki finally stood from the table with his plate of untouched food…gingerly dumping it in the trash before placing his dishes in the sink. Shigure simply stared at his back, taking in every movement of every muscle in his body. Saying nothing of the fact that this was the third time this week he had left his dinner untouched. Yuki never really ate much to begin with. Nothing new…nothing different… Everything was as it used to be. Things were fine. Yuki just wasn't hungry tonight. But there was something else. Something eating away at him…slowly…relentlessly…but quietly…in the back of his mind. Quiet enough not to be alarming. Quiet enough to be snuffed out. Dismissed…for now. Because the truth was this…

_I didn't want to know._

_I just didn't want to know._

_I just didn't want…_

Things were fine. Yuki was strong. A fighter. Not likely to fall again when he put his mind to it. He saw that in Yuki's eyes as he turned from the sink, offering Shigure a small smile. Shigure smiled back.

"I have a lot of work to catch up on, so I'm going to my room to focus in some peace and quiet." More silence…Shigure just nodded.

"Let me know if you need anything." Shigure replied…Yuki would let him know if things were getting worse.

_Mistook the nods for an approval,_

_Just ignore the smoke and smile._

He would know if things got worse…

_Call an optimist, she's turning blue,_

_Such a lovely color for you._

_Call an optimist, she's turning blue,_

_Such a perfect color for your eyes._

Watching him move silently down the hall and ascend the stairs to his room, Shigure sent him along with a prayer. Safe travels. Strength in his battle. A battle he wasn't alone in. They had made it through the storm. Weathered the nightmare…and come out the other side to the light. They were now in the light… Things would not be easy…but they would be better. Things were better.

_Call an optimist, she's turning blue,_

_Such a lovely color for you._

_Call it aftermath, she's turning blue,_

_While I just sit and stare at you._

Finishing what was left of his tea as he sat alone with his own thoughts, a smile of relief washed over his face. Another dinner. Over. Day. Over. Over and survived. They had made it through. Standing from the table with his own empty plate he took it to the sink…his gaze drifting to Yuki's dishes. Things were okay. They were okay. Yuki was better. And…if he wasn't. If they were all falling right back into hell…

_I don't want to know…_

* * *

******A/N: Featured lyrics in this chapter are from the song "Blue" by A Perfect Circle. Again, I recommend that this segment be paired with the youtube video "A Perfect Circle-Thirteenth Step (Full Album)" by Aaron Fraser.**


	5. Vanishing

**A/N: The repetitive quote was graciously and humbly adopted from the work of Fandom Angst (formerly known as justyouraveragemuggle). Please read their story "Back to Darkness." Believe me when I say their level of skill puts mine to shame. So, with a humble heart, thank you, and enjoy!**

**"You are vial. Unlovable. Pathetic and weak. A disgusting abomination. A monster. A freak."-Fandom Angst "Back to Darkness"**

* * *

_Disappear…_

_"You are vial."_

_Disappear…_

_ "Unlovable."_

_Higher…_

_ "Pathetic and weak."_

_Higher…_

_ "A disgusting abomination."_

_Into…_

_"A monster."_

_The air…_

_ "A freak…"_

_Slowly disappear…_

_No…_

_No longer here…_

_"I know I am…vial..."_

_Disappear…_

_ "I understand…I am…unlovable…"_

_Disappear…_

_"I am…pathetic and weak… …so very weak…"_

_Thinner…_

_ "I am…a disgusting abomination…"_

_Thinner…_

_"I am a monster…"_

_Into…_

_ "I am…a freak…"_

_The air…_

_Never really here…_

_What that never…_

A shuttered breath crossed his lips as the voices continued their silent, unrelenting chorus. Truth. This…was truth. Painful. Cold. Unsympathetic to his weakness.

_Like a thought brushing up against a…_

_…Sigh…_

More than anything…he felt tired. So very tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of trying. Tired of getting up every day and pretending. Everything's okay. So tired. And weak. He felt so very weak.

_Floating away…_

Longing for peace…he felt himself slipping. Falling. Drowning. He so desperately wanted some peace…but…peace at what cost? Solace for his soul. That's what he knew he would have to pay. But that wasn't fair… Too high a price for something he desperately craved. It just wasn't fair…

_Vanishing like a_

_Cyan Sunday_

Pressing himself painfully against the wall…he wondered for a moment if he _really_ could… Could melt away into its unwelcoming surface. Disappear. Vanish. A tear found its way down his cheek as he remembered how close he had really been. So very close…

_Disappear…_

_"…vial…"_

_Disappear…_

_ "…unlovable…"_

_Vanish…_

_"…pathetic…weak…"_

_Vanish…_

_ "…disgusting…an abomination…"_

_Into…_

_"…freak…"_

_The air…_

_ "…weak…"_

_Slowly disappear…_

_"…so…weak…"_

_Never really here…_

_ "…you shouldn't be here…"_

No one wanted him here. He had destroyed _everything_. He was nothing. Nothing would be missed.

_Floating away…_

* * *

**********A/N: Featured lyrics in this chapter are from the song "Vanishing" by A Perfect Circle. Again, I recommend that this segment be paired with the youtube video "A Perfect Circle-Thirteenth Step (Full Album)" by Aaron Fraser.**


	6. A Stranger

**This chapter...and song...are particularly close to my heart, and speak very deeply to me. And so marks the halfway point of this adventure. A turning of the tides. A changing of seasons.**

* * *

A gentle, tender breeze tousled his hair and clothing, caressing the back of his neck like a lover. He released a slow sigh as the sound found its way to Heaven, closing his eyes as he turned his face towards the sunlight. So warm. So wonderful. So amazing. Feeling…for the first time. Sensation. Awareness. It terrified him. Knowing how weak he truly was…being this aware simply horrified him. Left him feeling defenseless and vulnerable. Waiting to stumble and fall at any point. To fall…

A sad smile played along his lips as he took in the sight before him. His garden had been left untouched for so long that it had become overrun by weeds and stray leaves. So much work had to be done…and, like himself…he just wasn't quite sure where to start. Where to start. Where to begin. Questions far grander in scope than just the present time and place.

_Cast the calming apple_

_Up and over satellites_

_To draw out the timid wild one_

_To convince you it's alright_

Removing his shoes and socks, he gently caressed the overgrown grass around his garden with his bare feet. Absorbing its genuinely pleasant sensation. Pushing darker…more ravenous sensations and cravings away from him as he focused on the blades of grass underneath his feet and between his toes. This felt good. But…he was unsure if it was _better_. It had been so long since he had actually _felt_ much of _anything_. And…this feeling was…uncertain. He worried that his weakness made this moment fleeting… He wanted to stay. But…he wasn't sure if he really _could_. Not yet. He was so afraid of being called away from here again… Of falling…

The arms of uncertainty wrapped themselves around him as another light breeze drifted along, rustling the crisp leaves above him. His eyes cast themselves up to the sky again as he watched whimsical white clouds pass him by on their own journey…finding himself suddenly feeling so very small. The work would be hard. Arduous. But it had to begin now. The season of change was upon him. There was work to be done. So an unsteady hand grasped a trowel as he moved himself into the dirt, finding a level of comfortable familiarity in the movements of his slender fingers as they wrapped themselves around stray weeds.

_And I listen for the whisper_

_Of your sweet insanity_

_While I formulate denial_

_Of your effect on me_

Focusing on the soil in his hands, under his nails, between his toes, the sun warming his skin… All of these things. All of them were real. This was real. Solid. Unshakably concrete. And as he ruminated over these facts…working…another slow smile graced his lips as one more truth occurred to him. It was not this moment, these sensations or feelings that were uncertain…but…himself. Only himself. An almost melodic giggle escaped his lips as he dug the garden tool into the softening soil…his world suddenly appearing more simplistic and comprehendible with this latest revelation. He was the only one spinning. Everything else stayed in place. If…if he could just manage to grasp on to something concrete… Then maybe…just maybe…there was hope.

_"…hope is more dangerous than fear…"_

These chilling words ran themselves down his spine, briefly supplanting the warmth of the sun around him. One of his favorite authors… Maybe they were right. Maybe they knew what they were talking about. Maybe he should heed these somber words of warning…maybe…just maybe…

_You're a stranger, so_

_What do I care?_

_You vanish today_

_Not the first time I hear_

_All the lies_

And that…was the problem. Choosing in hope…when he still remembered. Remembered _exactly_ how it had felt. Remembered everything. Being numb. _Wanting_ to be numb. _Begging_ to feel nothing at all. Craving it. Crawling on his knees for it. Being brought to the floor…a place he had been content with.

_What am I to do with all this silence?_

The longing for peace and solitude. For silence. He remembered how far he had fallen to achieve that…at any cost. And as he felt the chill in his core begin to subside and slowly melt away…there was still _that_ one truth. One he would be foolish to ignore. He…still wanted it…

_Shy away_

_Shy away phantom_

"Yuki…" A tender voice whispered out to him…and for a moment he was uncertain if he had actually conjured it in his own mind…a level of familiarity washing over him that he wasn't quite ready to trust.

After a moment's hesitation, Yuki slowly lifted his amethyst gaze towards the sound of his name. A fragile expression of mild disbelief washed across his features at who he saw.

"Tohru?" Yuki asked, still unable and unwilling to believe his eyes.

"I…hope I'm not intruding…" She murmured, taking in his stooped, sodden form…the sound of her voice once again catching him off guard and he responded hesitantly.

"No. Not at all." His own voice sounded so strange, having grown use to the lack of company he had embraced.

_Run away_

_Terrified child_

Without further invitation, and a small smile as she took in the lack of shoes on Yuki's feet, Tohru removed her own and rolled up the sleeves of her blouse. The two worked in the garden silently, sided by side, methodically removing the weeds and tilling the fresh soil.

"I'm really sorry…" He whispered…words he had wanted to say many times over…words carried on the gentle breeze as he continued to work, unable to look at the young woman working next to him. "…and…I understand if you're still angry with me…" He murmured, unable to replace the expression he had first seen upon arriving back with the softer one he witnessed today.

"I was never angry with you…" The tender words caught him completely off guard…he didn't understand how that was possible. "But…" She continued hesitantly, and Yuki found himself unconsciously taking a breath in as he stopped his work. "I saw it in your eyes, Yuki. You…" She whispered, finally halting her own work as she turned on her knees to look at him. "You didn't _want_ my help." Her voice came with a twinge of sorrow. "You pushed me away." And at this Yuki raised his gaze to meet hers as they sat in silence.

"…I know…" These two words felt so hollow…insufficient…but it was the only response he could come up with in the wake of this truth.

"Let us _help_ you." She whispered…a desperate prayer from her lips that he soaked in and absorbed like the warmth of the sun…she…wanted to help him.

The truth was…he didn't want to fight this monster alone anymore. He couldn't. And to try would be to foolishly forfeit his life. And that thought terrified him most of all.

_Won't you_

_Move away, you fuckin' tornado_

The sudden burst of a summer whirlwind whipped through the area tearing through the moment of peace as it tossed up loose specks of dirt and dust. Shading his eyes, he glanced over to take in the sight of Tohru's hair being carelessly tossed about by the wind as she feebly clung to the rebellious strands, finally smoothing them to calm as the wind passed them by.

As the moment of calm was restored, a genuine, soft smile played along Yuki's lips as he saw Tohru clearly for the first time in what seemed like an eternity. Her frazzled gaze met his, her slender fingers continuing to absentmindedly smooth stray strands of hair, smudging dirt and soil on her cheeks and forehead in the process. She was beautiful. An uncontrollable giggle of delight washed over him as he continued to watch her desperately smooth herself out as more smudges found their way onto her face. At this reaction, Tohru couldn't help but laugh herself as the garden filled with the stunning sound.

"So…let us help you." She whispered the invitation again…a lifeline…and Yuki's smile spread as he nodded.

And so he had found his anchor. The two of them continuing the necessary work on the secret base. The journey had begun. The world no longer wildly spinning out of control. There was peace. There was calm. The rest… The rest would come in time as the work continued.

_I'm better off without you_

_Tearing my will down_

* * *

**A/N: Featured lyrics in this chapter are from the song "A Stranger" by A Perfect Circle. Again, I recommend that this segment be paired with the youtube video "A Perfect Circle-Thirteenth Step (Full Album)" by Aaron Fraser.**

**...and...the quote from the favorite author. It came from Fandom Angst's "Back to Darkness." And...yes...they have truly become and inspiration. Thank you, friend!**


	7. The Outsider

**For some reason, this particular chapter was a bear to write. Many thanks go out to my friends, and sisters, Kon13 and A Soulless Poet. I finally feel like the final draft of this chapter is expressing the emotional undertow I had intended in my head. So, again, thank you! And I hope all of you enjoy!**

* * *

Fiddling obsessively with the prescription bottle in the pocket of his jacket, the blatant irony was still not lost on him. He had been spending more time with Tohru, slowly building the bridge back to the friendship they once had, confiding in her about the more…difficult…moments of his journey. The physical pain. The emotional weakness. The nights when he couldn't sleep, scratching at his own skin with the threat of releasing the monster inside.

She had suggested talking to Hatori to see if there was anything he could do to help ease some of the more ravenous cravings and symptoms…something to catch him in the moments he felt like falling. In all honesty, this had really been the _last_ thing he had expected, his slender fingers continuously grazing over the pill bottle…making sure they were still there. That he still had them…just in case. A constant companion. A hand to reach out and hold him if he should fall. It was safe. Hatori had given them to him, after all. They were safe…

Glancing around the school grounds to make sure he was alone, Yuki removed the bottle from his pocket, releasing the cap and quickly sliding two pills into the palm of his hand before replacing the cap and putting the bottle back into his pocket. Sliding the first pill into his mouth, he bit down and crunched into its chalky surface…savoring the immediate cool rush of numbness that washed over him as he brought a water bottle to his lips, tipping his head back to wash the rest down. One. One. One. He found himself counting in his head as he took another drink of water. One. He needed to make sure he kept track. One. Letting the numbness finally warm and wash over his tongue and mouth for a moment, traveling though his body, Yuki placed the other pill in his mouth and washed it down with more water. Two.

A small smile graced his lips as he felt himself grow numb. Not the numbness of his old lover. Nothing _nearly_ that potent…but…pleasant all the same. Slowing and quieting the world into a dull roar so he could think. So he could breathe. It was only lunch time, and his more difficult classes still lay ahead of him. He needed to be able to focus. Absentmindedly rummaging through the small paper bag next to him Yuki pulled out one of the assorted chocolates he carried around with him, popping it in his mouth before closing his eyes and leaning his head back against the tree he was reclining under. Chocolate…another one of Hatori's suggestions for the cravings. Yuki had laughed at the time…but…it _did_ seem to help in combination with the medication. At the very least it made it taste better.

"Yuki…" A familiar voice called to him as his eyes remained closed, focusing on the crisp autumn air against his skin.

"Hello, Haru…" Yuki murmured lazily in greeting, still refusing to open his eyes, unwilling to disturb this moment of pleasant, hazy peace as he felt his cousin approach and sit next to him on the grass of the school yard.

"…sup…" He heard the monotone voice of his cousin deadpan.

"Nothing. Just taking a break before lunch is over." Yuki murmured, slowly drifting along in the currant of his haze as a crisp breeze tenderly caressed his increasingly rouge cheeks…so pleasant. "You?"

"I want some of your candy." Haru deadpanned, causing a small twitch of a smile to grace Yuki's lips before he finally opened his eyes to meet his cousin's steely gaze.

Yuki gave a small nod, indicating that Haru now had his permission, the smile growing as he watched his cousin rummage through the bag of assorted chocolates. Haru still clearly remembered the last time he had tried to take some of Yuki's candy. It…had ended in a bloody nose and very naughty word exchange. Ever since then, Haru had made it a point of approaching the bag with caution. The two sat in silence, eating candy and watching people pass by on their various destinations. This had become one of their favorite shared pastimes…people watching. Sometimes making comments. Other times, conversation. But mostly it was done in comfortable silence, neither one of them having much to say.

_Help me if you can._

_It's just that this,_

_Is not the way I'm wired, so could you please…_

"I want to play a game." Haru murmured through a piece of candy, keeping his gaze forward.

"…okay…" Yuki's words came cautious as he gave his cousin a side-glance. "What game?"

_Help me understand why,_

_You've given in to all these,_

_Reckless, dark desires, you're…_

"I want to play 'Bullshit.'" Haru spoke, his gaze finally drifting towards Yuki, the expression on his face completely serious.

"Haru…" His name came as an irritated grumble.

"I ask you questions, and you give me answers. If I don't believe you, I call you out, and then you tell me the truth." Haru continued, his steely gaze burrowing into his older cousin as Yuki contemplated this for a moment.

"Fine…" He conceded, popping another piece of chocolate into his mouth.

"Shigure says you're locking yourself up in your room again. Why?" Haru's voice came flat.

"I'm studying for exams." Yuki began. "And I've seen your grades. You should be doing the same, Haru."

_Lying to yourself again!_

_Suicidal imbecile!_

_Think about it, you're pounding on a fault line!_

"Bullshit." Haru breathed, gazing into Yuki's eyes. "What are you _really_ doing?"

"Studying." Yuki repeated a little more forcefully.

"Fine." Haru conceded. "What _else_ are you doing?"

"Nothing." Yuki muttered, having quickly grown tired of this game.

"Bullshit." Haru murmured. "The look on your face says something different."

"And what might that be?" Yuki asked, feeling himself struggling to keep up with Haru's accusations through the blunted numbness coursing through his body.

"I'm not sure yet…but I still have more questions." Haru mused, taking in Yuki's expression with a steady gaze.

"Next." Yuki deadpanned, a bitter smirk now twitching at the corner of his lips.

_What'll it take to get it through to you, precious?_

_I'm over this! Why do you wanna throw it away like this,_

_Such a mess! Why would I want to watch you…_

"You've been avoiding me lately." Haru stared into his cousin's amethyst eyes. "Why?"

"I haven't been avoiding you, Haru…I'm here every day." Yuki muttered, feeling unnerved under the weight of his cousin's gaze.

"Bullshit." Haru murmured. "You always turn the other way when I'm walking down the same hall. You don't want to talk to me." He whispered. "Ever since you came back…"

"I'm talking to you now, Haru." Yuki quipped, but Haru's expression remained stoic.

"No…you're lying to me." Haru deadpanned.

"What am I lying to you about?" Yuki hissed, growing exasperated with his cousin as he felt himself being ripped away from his moment of peace.

_Disconnect and self-destruct one bullet at a time?_

_What's your rush now, everyone will have his day to die!_

"You're on something again, aren't you…" Haru whispered, his expression now growing concerned, searching Yuki's face for answers.

"Nothing I _shouldn't_ be on." Yuki finally conceded, opening up the door to his cousin. "Hatori's given me something to help me with what I'm going through." Yuki whispered, averting his gaze from his cousin as his slender fingers once again fidgeted with the prescription bottle in his pocket…good…still there.

"And is it?" Haru asked, causing Yuki's gaze to be pulled up from the ground.

"I'm not sure." Yuki's voice wavered, thinking of the numerous hours he would spend simply _counting_ the pills…making sure he would have enough…he _needed_ to have enough.

"Then maybe you should stop." Haru's voice came flat.

"I can't…" Yuki whispered.

"You _can't_…or…you _won't_?" Haru asked, his steely gaze burrowing into his cousin's amethyst eyes, Yuki's expression faltering at the blunt accusation.

"It's not that simple, Haru." And he wondered how he could even begin to explain to his cousin what he was going through…the moments of sheer agony at just _being_.

"And that's exactly why you _need_ to." Haru murmured, his steely gaze burrowing into Yuki's very soul. "It's not good for you."

_Medicated…_

_Drama queen…_

_Picture perfect, numb belligerence…_

"I'm fine, Haru. I have a handle on this." Yuki's words came harsh, his gaze once again averted from his cousin.

"Bullshit." Haru murmured. "Anyone ever tell you you're a _really _bad liar?"

"Anyone ever tell you you're a bastard?" Yuki quipped as he glared at the ground in front of him, wishing…waiting…hoping for this conversation to draw to a close.

"Everyone except you…until now." Haru's voice came low. "You know…you never use to be like this…"

_Narcissistic…_

_Drama queen…_

_Craving fame and all its decadence…_

"Like _what_, exactly?" The question came in a sigh as Yuki squeezed his eyes shut, frustration blurring with numbness as he tried to block out his cousin's accusations.

"Selfish." Haru murmured. "You've become selfish." And Yuki's eyes fluttered open as his gaze moved back to his cousin.

"What are you even talking about, Haru?" Yuki hissed in exasperation.

"You're destroying your life…without a second thought to the people you are leaving behind." Haru murmured, his steady gaze never leaving Yuki's face.

"I _told_ you I'm _fine_." Yuki spat.

_Lying through your teeth again!_

_Suicidal imbecile!_

_Think about it, you're pounding on a fault line!_

_What'll it take to get it through to you, precious?_

_Go with this. Why do you wanna throw it away like this,_

_Such a mess! Why would I wanna watch you..._

"Bullshit." Haru quipped. "I can't trust that you're okay…" His voice trailed off, his gaze cast to the ground.

"Haru…" Yuki murmured, his gaze intent on his cousin, a surge of guilt breaking through the haze with his cousin's words.

_Disconnect and self-destruct one bullet at a time?_

_What's your rush now, everyone will have his day to die!_

"I just don't understand you anymore." Haru whispered. "I love you…" His voice came tender. "Always have…always will…but…" His voice trailed off. "I don't even know who you are…what you've become. But you sure as _hell_ aren't the person I fell in love with. Not anymore…" And at this Yuki's face flushed a brilliant shade of crimson with this public declaration of affection.

"Haru…I haven't changed." Yuki murmured, the blush still tainting his pale cheeks.

"Bullshit!" Haru's voice came more forceful than Yuki would have expected. "You can walk around treating everyone else like an idiot, Yuki. But _not_ me!" Haru muttered. "Not me. You _know_ I'm not an idiot." And as they stared at each other, Yuki couldn't help but be brought back to the memory of the angry little boy who he had soothed so many years ago.

_"I hate your guts! It's the rat's fault everyone laughs at the cow! They call the cow a fool and an idiot! IT'S YOUR FAULT, YOU DIRTY MEAN STINKING RAT!"_

_"…Well…is it true? About you, I mean. Is that what you are? Are you a fool?"_

_"No. No, I'm not. I'm... I'm not a fool. I'm not a fool..."_

_"Mhm…I didn't think so."_

"I know, Haru." Yuki murmured as he began to wonder if this conversation was what he had been unconsciously trying to avoid…maybe Haru had been right…

"What in the _hell_ happened to you, Yuki?" Haru questioned, his gaze continuing to come intense…inquisitive…searching. "You use to be so strong." He whispered. "Kind. You were kind. And now…" His voice trailed off has he glanced to the students moving about their day…the two of them sitting in their own world…their mutual hell. "Now you're just…empty. Fake..."

_They were right about you…_

_They were right about you…_

"I can see it in your eyes." Haru continued, gazing into dulled, hazed amethyst eyes. "You've completely given up even _trying_ to fight." These words came as a violent slap across Yuki's face, pushing through his self-induced stupor as he felt a level of anger slowly burn beneath the surface of his skin at this latest accusation…what in the _hell_ did Haru know about what he was going through?

"I'm trying as hard as I can to fight this, Haru." Yuki muttered. "I'm doing the best I can…what more do you want from me?"

"Bullshit!" Haru snapped.

_Lying to my face again!_

_Suicidal imbecile!_

_Think about, you're pounding on a fault line!_

_What'll it take to get it through to you, precious?_

_I'm over this! Why do you wanna throw it away like this,_

_Such a mess!_

_Over this!_

_Over this!_

"You don't even care!" Haru's words came in a low snarl, catching Yuki off guard.

"How…" Yuki's voice came low as he felt the anger just beneath the surface begin to intensify and spread as Haru's words began to finally sink in. "…would you even know what I'm going through…what I've _been_ through…" Yuki hissed, the rage flickering behind the glazed expression as he glared at his cousin.

_Disconnect!_

_And self-destruct!_

_One bullet at a time!_

"That's your problem, right there." Haru hissed. "Thinking that you're the only one in pain."

"You wouldn't understand…" Yuki muttered bitterly, casting his gaze to the ground again as he took another piece of chocolate and put it in his mouth.

"No…" Haru's voice came just as bitter. "I suppose I wouldn't." And he watched as Yuki began to collect his book bag and candy…the game now clearly over…for both of them.

_What's your hurry?!_

_Everyone will have his day to die!_

"Where are you going?" Haru asked, his steely gaze focused on Yuki's back as he began to slowly walk away.

_If you choose to pull the trigger!_

_Should your drama prove sincere!_

"I'm going to class…" Yuki deadpanned, continuing to move forward before Haru could point out the fact that there was still a half hour left of their lunch break.

_Do it somewhere far away from here!_

* * *

**A/N: Featured lyrics in this chapter are from the song "The Outsider" by A Perfect Circle. Again, and as always, I recommend that this segment be paired with the youtube video "A Perfect Circle-Thirteenth Step (Full Album)" by Aaron Fraser.**


	8. Crimes

_"…empty…"_

_"…fake…"_

_"…worthless…"_

_"…weak…"_

_"…pathetic…"_

_"…liar…"_

A course sob broke through as he looked at himself in the bathroom mirror. It was true. All of it…and more. They were _all_ right about him. Kyo, Haru…_him_… Especially _him_. The conversation with Haru had only reminded him of this fact…one he had tried to deny. He really _was_ trying to do better…and…he finally understood. That was never going to happen. Could never happen. It was an impossibility. He was too weak to change.

"…empty…"

"…fake…"

"…worthless…"

"…weak…"

"…pathetic…"

"…liar…"

"Shut up…"

_"…empty…"_

_"…fake…"_

_"…worthless…"_

_"…weak…"_

_"…pathetic…"_

_"…liar…"_

"Shut up…"

_"…empty…"_

_"…fake…"_

_"…worthless…"_

_"…weak…"_

_"…pathetic…"_

_"…liar…"_

"SHUT UP!" He screamed, squeezing his hands painfully over his ears, his breathing coming erratic and labored…the silence of the boy's restroom coming deafening as he felt his ears begin to ring.

Hands shaking…reaching in the pocket of his jacket…Yuki pulled out the bottle of pills. His companion. His consort. Hatori told him to use them when he needed them. And now… Well, now he needed them. He needed silence. He needed everything to just stop. The voices. The pain. The rage and bitter sorrow. Regret. It all needed to stop. He needed to breathe. The conversation with Haru had been too much…too soon. Everything would be okay if he could just make things quiet for a little while. Just a little while. Opening the bottle, his hands still trembling…Yuki put the first pill in his mouth. Or was it his third? He couldn't remember, but conceded that it didn't matter. The goal was the same. Silence.

_One…_

He counted. Always counting. Always. Making sure. Double checking. The voices still came…their unrelenting, merciless accusations washing over him. Drowning him. Suffocating him. He needed more. Just one more. Another pill into the mouth. Another pill…

_Two…_

Still there…

_"…empty…"_

_"…fake…"_

_"…worthless…"_

_"…weak…"_

_"…pathetic…"_

_"…liar…"_

One more… Just one more. Just to make them stop.

_Three…_

Feeling his heart slow, Yuki looked back into his pill bottle. How many had he taken? He couldn't remember…but…the voices were still there. Not enough, he decided. He hadn't taken enough. Another one… He needed another.

_Four…_

His breathing began to grow unsteady. Losing his vision. But he needed more. Just one more.

_Five…_

Brought to his knees…he remembered this. Oh how he remembered this feeling. This desire. This all-consuming craving. Drive the pain out. Shut the world out. Shut everything down. Another one. He wanted another one.

_Six…_

A wave of panic washed over him as a shuttered breath crossed his lips. How many had he taken…?

_"…empty…"_

_"…fake…"_

_"…worthless…"_

_"…weak…"_

_"…pathetic…"_

_"…liar…"_

Not enough. Still not enough.

_Seven…_

Feeling himself become nauseous, he crumpled in on himself. Willing himself not to vomit. He needed this. Just a moment of peace. A moment of silence. Another pill finding its way into his mouth.

_Eight…_

He was going to die. He could feel it. He was going to die here…and the voices _still_ wouldn't stop. Another one. Haru was right. He didn't care anymore. Take another one. Fall forever and never get back up. The ground was where he belonged. He belonged here…on the cold unforgiving floor.

_Nine…_

_Nine..._

_Nine..._

_Nine…_

Too many. He had taken too many. He couldn't feel _anything_ anymore…only vaguely aware of the fact his was now face down on the bathroom floor. But it felt like home. Everything fading away. His heartbeat. His breathing. His pain. The voices. All fading. He was finally where he should be. He had crawled right back into the hole.

_Ten..._

_Ten..._

_Ten..._

* * *

**A/N: Featured lyrics in this chapter are from the song "Crimes" by A Perfect Circle. Again, and as always, I recommend that this segment be paired with the youtube video "A Perfect Circle-Thirteenth Step (Full Album)" by Aaron Fraser.**


	9. The Nurse Who Loved Me

**As a side note, I am still unsure of how I feel about this particular chapter. I tried very hard to do honor to the feeling of the song, and honor to Maynard James Keenan without completely destroying the feeling and momentum I have created in this story...so...yeah. But...I sincerely hope that you enjoy it anyway. As for the song, well, enjoy what is probably the most romantic love song on planet earth. Thank you, Maynard James Keenan.**

* * *

He didn't understand. Everything was wrong. It was all wrong. Just _wrong_. Why was one half of his face so cold, and the other so hot? His body felt so heavy… And his lungs. His lungs weren't working right, either. He would breathe in…and nothing. Just…nothing. They were utterly _useless_. And weak. Weak, just like the rest of him. Mostly, though…he didn't understand why the whole entire world was lined in a checkered patter. When in the _hell_ had _that_ happened?

The checkered pattern bothered him. It was too perfect. It was mocking him with its perfection. Taunting him with it. Pointing out the fact that he was _so_ very painfully flawed and weak. Holding its own perfection against him… He could have been perfect too, just like that damn checkered pattern. But he was too weak. And tired. So very tired. He should have probably slept longer… Maybe that would have helped. Maybe he should take a nap. He was tired of looking at the checkered pattern anyway… As he tried to lay himself down…nothing happened. Nothing. All he wanted to do was sleep. But apparently he couldn't even take a nap without completely screwing it up.

_Say hello…_

_To the rug's topography._

_It holds quite a lot of interest with your face down on it._

A fragile, shuddered breath lingered on his lips as he felt a tear trail its way along the bridge of his nose. That was funny. That didn't usually happen. As he focused on the sensation of the warm liquid on the surface of his skin, he heard it fall on something. Something solid…hard perhaps. But it was close to his ear, he could tell that much. Strange… Why did it feel as if the whole entire world had gone catawampus and…sideways…just like his funny little tear. Nothing made sense anymore…and he was tired of trying to figure it all out.

As his eyes lazily trailed along the disturbingly impeccable checkered pattern, something caught his interest. An orange bottle. Where had _that_ come from? Continuing to stare blankly at the fascinating object, he found a level of familiarity begin to settle in. He _knew_ that orange bottle…intimately. He was certain of it. But…how? Why would he have such intimate knowledge of an inanimate object? That wasn't right.

_Say hello…_

_To the shrinking in your head._

_You can't see it but you know it's there so don't neglect it._

None of this was right. He couldn't feel _anything_. Why couldn't he feel anything? He vaguely remembered the desire…the longing. But didn't remember how this had happened… Had he made a wish? His wishes were never granted. Ever. So he didn't understand why they would start being granted now. Another tear found its way along the bridge of his nose. Another splat as it fell next to his ear. He didn't want to feel like this anymore…

"Yuki…"

His lavender gaze drifted back to the orange bottle. Did it just say something? The voice. It sounded _so_ familiar. He knew that voice. But….how had _they_ gotten into that teeny tiny bottle?

"…Haru?" He whispered hesitantly…none of this seeming right.

"I'm right here." The orange bottle replied, and he found himself growing increasingly alarmed…what had the bottle done to Haru?

"I can't see you, Haru…" He breathed, his voice feeling so heavy…heavy like the rest of him.

"It's going to be okay…" And at this, he felt himself begin to whimper in a pathetic cry…he didn't believe the strange orange bottle…_nothing_ about this was okay.

Feeling the weight of his body being shifted and the world begin to move, Yuki's tear blurred eyes finally trailed up to meet the familiar, steady gaze of his cousin. He found he could breathe a little easier now…but…the checkered pattern was gone. Good riddance…he never liked it anyway.

Looking into Haru's eyes, Yuki noticed that Haru was gazing down at him, throwing a little perspective on his world. He was on his back. Was he? He wasn't quite sure, but conceded to himself that it would certainly explain a lot. Continuing to focus on Haru's expression through his dampened lashes, Yuki finally noticed that Haru looked completely worried. He…wasn't the only one.

"Haru…" He breathed…his words labored as he struggled to hold back the lump of panic in his throat. "I'm not okay…" He whispered. "…am I…?" And he felt the steady flow of tears he could no longer control.

"Haru…I think he's taken close to half of the bottle." Another worried voice manifested…just out of his line of sight.

_I'm taking her home with me,_

_All dressed in white._

That voice… He knew that voice too. Casting his blurred gaze from his cousin's distraught expression, Yuki finally saw a form manifest in his hazy vision. His tears refracted the natural light from the area, causing an intensely beautiful shimmer of an aura to surround the figure. So mesmerizing…until the whisper of a though found its way to his lips.

"Am I dead?" The thought not making much sense until he had seen this celestial form before him.

_She's got everything I need,_

_Pharmacy keys._

"No, Yuki… You're alive." The voice responded reassuringly with the same undertow of concern Haru had expressed.

"…Tohru…?" Yuki question as his lashes fluttered, clearing some of the tears to give him a clearer view of the person gazing at him.

"Yes." She responded, her voice beginning to crack and tremble.

"I'm…alive…" Yuki confirmed as he watched Tohru give a small nod before his view blurred again and more, bitter lamenting filled the area…he was still alive…

_She's falling hard for me,_

_I can see it in her eyes._

He was still alive…and unsure if that was what he really wanted right now. The celestial form of his personal angel had given him some hope. Hope that maybe this time he would be able to give up completely. That he wouldn't have to get back up…from…wherever he was right now. He didn't even know where he was. That thought alarmed him as his gaze flickered back to Haru's concerned expression.

"Haru…" His voice whimpered low and weak. "Where am I…?"

"You're at the school, Yuki." Haru whispered comfortingly as he began to pet Yuki's head like a parent would a distraught child.

"_Where_ at the school…" Yuki murmured, his gaze drifting unfocused through his surroundings…this…didn't look like a classroom.

"We're in the boy's bathroom…" Haru responded calmly, and the immediate rush of relief Yuki felt from being spared an amount of social embracement was supplanted as a sudden blush crossed his cheeks.

"Haru…" He whispered, his gaze intent as he stared up at his cousin. "Tohru's in the boy's bathroom."

"Yeah." Haru murmured, seeming unfazed by Yuki's insight.

"She's a girl, Haru." Yuki whispered in an attempt to keep this secret conversation between them as to not embarrass the poor girl. "She really shouldn't be in here…"

"I know…but she cares about you." Haru answered, and Yuki felt an unexplainable surge of emotion wash over him.

"She cares about me?" He didn't understand how could this be…when he was so completely _beyond_ unlovable.

"Yeah. Enough to help me find you." Haru whispered as he continued to rub Yuki's head.

"…in the boy's bathroom…" Yuki murmured.

"Yeah. In the boy's bathroom." Haru echoed, and for a moment Yuki thought he could hear the sound of muffled sobbing as he felt his lashes become heavy and his vision beginning to dim…he wanted to sleep.

"Tohru, go call Hatori…" Haru murmured, attempting to still the panic in his voice.

_She acts just like a nurse, with all the other guys._

Yuki felt himself helplessly moved yet again, only to realize that Haru had picked him up off the ground. How was that possible? He was _so_ heavy. Haru must be really strong… A light smile crossed his lips as a gentle blush painted his cheeks. Why had he never allowed Haru to hold him before? It…felt nice. He felt sheltered and protected. Safe.

_Say hello…_

_To all the apples on the ground._

_They were once in your eyes but you sneezed them out while sleeping._

"Haru…" Yuki murmured, burying his face into the safety of Haru's chest as he felt himself held a little tighter against his cousin's body. "Do…you still love me?" And with these words he felt his voice quake, unsure if he wanted to know the truth.

"Yes." Haru's simple response came gentle…but…somehow removed from the tender emotion of this concession.

Yuki felt himself drifting along in the safety of his cousin's arms, his mind floating between consciousness and the blackness hell bent on claiming him. He only vaguely became aware of his new surroundings when he began to feel eyes on him. His thick lashes in constant flutter against the weight of an unexplained exhaustion, Yuki caught glimpses and flashes of faces. Even though his body stayed completely still, the surroundings and faces continued to change…but…something seemed to be connecting them all together. Yuki began to notice a horrifying pattern.

_Say hello…_

_To everything you've left behind._

_It's even more a part of your life now that you can't touch it._

They were all staring at _him_. The expressions seemed to range from confusion, cynical smirks, worry and panic, and…pity. But they were all directed at _him_. _All_ of them. Making him feel completely helpless and vulnerable. And…ashamed. He felt an overwhelming amount of shame. Burying his face back into the shelter of his cousin, he whispered weakly against Haru's chest.

"They're staring at me…" The vibration of his muffled whimper moving through Haru's chest.

"Yeah, they are…" Haru murmured back this confirmation as Yuki felt his heart completely sink into the pit of his stomach. "But they can all go straight to hell for all I care…" Haru hissed, his tone low and aggressive.

_I'm taking her home with me,_

_All dressed in white._

"Everything's going to be okay, Yuki." The tender voice of his angel reached his ears as he continued to hide in the shelter of his cousin…he _still_ didn't believe that.

_She's got everything I need,_

_Some pills in a little cup._

"Tohru…" His voice murmured against Haru's chest.

"I'm still here." She reassured him.

"Please don't leave me…" He whispered, still feeling the weight of his classmates' eyes as they moved through the school halls.

_She's falling hard for me,_

_I can see it in her eyes._

"I'm not going anywhere…" Tohru's voice came strained, as if she was trying not to cry herself.

_She acts just like a nurse, with all the other guys._

"I called Hatori…he knows we're coming and is on his way to meet us half way." Tohru whispered.

"Good…" Haru murmured in response.

"Meeting us half way to where?" The weak murmur forced itself from Yuki's lips as he felt himself pulled into the undertow. "Half way to _where_?" He breathed again after a lack of response

_She's got everything I need,_

_Pharmacy keys._

Wherever it was, Yuki feared he wouldn't be safe. A level of primal, instinctual fear and panic washed over him. He didn't want to go. He wanted to curl up and disappear. To vanish. He…didn't want to go…but…

_She acts just like a nurse, with all the other guys._

If Tohru was with him…maybe he would be safe. She said she wouldn't leave him. She promised to stay. So…maybe… Maybe he would be safe. But as he felt himself lose all control to the darkness surrounding him, the fear only became stronger. A small voice beckoning him to sleep. _Sleep_, it whispered. And as Yuki felt himself slipping, the last remaining though he had was that it might be far better for him if he were to simply never wake up…

_Say hello to the rugs topography..._

* * *

**A/N: Featured lyrics in this chapter are from the song "The Nurse Who Loved Me" by A Perfect Circle. Again, and as always, I recommend that this segment be paired with the youtube video "A Perfect Circle-Thirteenth Step (Full Album)" by Aaron Fraser.**

**And for those of you who laughed at our poor Yuki in this chapter...trust me...I know who you are. Shame on you. You now owe Yuki a formal letter of apology...in the form of a review.**


	10. Pet

**A/N: This chapter is dedicated to Kon13, whose steadfast love and affection for Akito continue to baffle and confuse me...**

**And once again, the bold quote was graciously and humbly adopted from the work of Fandom Angst (formerly known as justyouraveragemuggle). Please read their story "Back to Darkness."**

**"You are vial. Unlovable. Pathetic and weak. A disgusting abomination. A monster. A freak."-Fandom Angst "Back to Darkness"**

* * *

It was so very dark. Always dark…and… It was cold. But…he _needed_ to know. He had to find out. To ask. So into the darkness he went…looking for _him_. _He_ would have the answer… _He_ always did.

_"Akito, am I really that strange? Am I so strange that we have to hide it from everyone?"_

He waited. Shivering and cold. In the darkness. Waited for his answer. One he wanted. One he was afraid to have. And from the darkness…came a response.

**_You are vial…_**

_"Hmph.. yes, you **are** that strange."_

**_Unlovable…_**

_"A human that turns into a **rat**?"_

**_Pathetic and weak…_**

_"What do you think they would **do** if they knew?"_

**_A disgusting abomination…a monster…_**

_"Really, you're **a freak**."_

**_…a freak…_**

_"They wouldn't come **near** you, they'd **HATE** you."_

"…please…no…" A soft voice whimpered weakly against this accepted truth…was…it his own?

The voice grew colder. Meaner. More malicious. It…wanted to _hurt_ him. It _craved_ his pain now.

_"Perhaps…I need to take some time to re-educate you, in that little room, the one I keep especially for you…"_

"…don't…" Another pathetic muffled cry…to no avail.

The voice hissed at him now. And he cowered to it. Helplessly he cowered to it. What else could he do? He was so weak. So very small and insignificant. Pathetic…

_"Why didn't you listen to what I say? **I** am the head of this family. Do you think **you** could go against **me** and **not** pay the price?"_

So much pain. It hurt. Everywhere. But he couldn't turn away. The pain just continued to grow upon itself, blistering and bubbling over into agony as he felt himself begin to cry. So weak. So very weak. Too weak to hold back the pathetic whimpers escaping him. Weak and pathetic…pathetic enough to begin begging…

_"Uh… Stop it... Stop it. Stop it!"_

"NO!" A painful shriek ripped itself from Yuki's lips as his body violently wretched itself erect from his bed.

Sweat seeped from every pour of his body as heavy gasps rocked his fragile frame…quaking uncontrollably. An unsteady hand went over his mouth for fear of screaming as the gasps began to manifest themselves into stifled sobs. Had…it all been a dream? Had he been dreaming? His nightmares were so vivid and blurred with his reality that he found it hard to tell.

As he finally managed to get ahold of himself, Yuki's gaze began to drift over his dark surroundings. It was hard to tell…but…he knew this couldn't possibly be his room. But…nonetheless…it was familiar. He had been here before. Sudden awareness dawned on him as Yuki realized _exactly_ where he was… His old quarters. At the main estate…

"_Don't fret precious, I'm here…_" A tender voice whispered to him from the darkness, causing his whole body to stiffen…he...wasn't alone…

_Step away from the window,_

_…step away from the window…_

_And go…_

_Back to sleep…_

"Who's there?" He whispered, his voice coming cracked and weak from strain.

"Shhh..." The melodic voice cooed in the dark. "There's no need to fear now, pet. I'm here." And at these words a sick sense of familiarity dawned on Yuki as his body began to tremble against his will.

"…Akito…?" His voice came so weak…so terrified…he felt humiliated and pathetic.

"You were having a frightful nightmare, love. And it woke me up…so…I came to you." He felt the voice drifting closer to him as a form finally manifested itself from the shadows. "Though…I had no idea you had come here." Aktio whispered, tilting his head to the side as he stared blankly at Yuki.

He found he had no response to Akito's words. Akito wasn't the only one confuse by his arrival… He watched as Akito crossed the distance to stand next to his bedside. Without words or invitation, Akito opened the blankets to Yuki's bed and slid himself in next to Yuki. Tender hands guided Yuki back down into bed as his heart began to race. Feeling Akito's body mold to his back as slender arms wrapped protectively around him, Yuki was thrown back to childhood when they would sleep together. Each stealing away to the other's chambers when they had a nightmare. Seeking each other's company in the darkness. Memories he longed to hold onto. Memories he wanted to violently push away.

_Lay your head down child,_

_I won't let the boogeyman come._

Yuki felt himself begin to shake against the body behind him as gentle fingers found their way into his hair to tenderly caress it. Yuki wanted to sink into this sensation. Yuki wanted to run. His breathing came labored as the light hum of a lullaby began to manifest itself next to his ear in melodic tones and warm breath.

"So…what's troubling you, precious?" the voice cooed…a loaded question…Yuki knew he would pay for the answer.

_Counting bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drums._

"Nothing…" Yuki lied…not entirely willing to admit the truth of his dream…his nightmare…his struggles.

"Come now…you can tell me." The voice coaxed, as Akito's body pressed itself even closer to Yuki, making the two into one flesh.

_Pay no mind to the rabble…_

_Pay no mind to the rabble…_

"I just had a difficult day at school." Yuki murmured, becoming helpless in his captor's hold.

_Head down, go to sleep to the rhythm of the war drums._

"I told you this would happen, precious." The voice whispered comfortingly to him now. "I told you they would never accept you as I do." And at these words blurred images of disapproving faces flashed in his mind as Yuki squeezed his eyes shut, trying not to cry out as a silent tear found its way down his cheek to the pillow. "I tried to warn you, love…"

_Pay no mind what other voices say._

_"They don't care about you…"_ Akito's voice whispered this into his ear…and all Yuki could see were the faces of disapproval that brought truth to Akito's words.

_Like I do._

_…like I do…_

_Safe from pain and truth and choice,_

_And other poison devils._

_"See, they don't give a **fuck** about you…"_ Yuki's breath hitched in his throat as he tried to stifle the tears threatening to break through…he knew…_knew_ that he was unlovable, pathetic, and weak.

_…like I do…_

"But…_I_ care about you, love." Akito whispered this reassurance. _"Just…stay with me…"_ These words were breathed on Yuki's neck as his own caught in his throat from the sensation.

_…safe and ignorant…_

_Go…_

_Back to sleep._

_Go…_

_Back to sleep._

"You see…I love you…despite what you have done…" These words sank into Yuki's skin as a level of fear seeped into his core…what exactly did Akito know…?

_Lay your head down child,_

_I won't let the boogeyman come._

"Akito…?" Yuki whimpered out as arms held him a little too tight.

_Count the bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drums._

"You honestly thought I wouldn't find out, precious?" These words scraped themselves along Yuki's spine as he stifled a horrified gasp.

_Pay no mind to the rabble…_

_Pay no mind to the rabble…_

"Honestly, Yuki…" The voice murmured as lips brushed themselves against his exposed skin, causing a shiver to run itself through his body. "You really thought you could _steal_ from me and I_ wouldn't_ find out?" And Yuki's thoughts violently flew to the countless times he had made love to his old consort…Akito's morphine…his heart sinking to the pit of his stomach.

_Head down, go to sleep to the rhythm of the war drums._

"How _stupid _do you think I am?" The voice whispered, and every muscle painfully constricted in Yuki's body…he…couldn't breathe…he couldn't breathe!

_I'll be the one to protect you from…_

_Your enemies and all your demons._

"Why would you do something so _foolish_, precious?" The lips nipped at his exposed neck, confusing and muddling the clear danger he felt radiating through his body…he needed to think…to breathe.

"…Akito…" His voice cracked as he felt the body respond behind him, adjusting itself against him again…the gentle touch and caresses becoming almost painful to him now.

_I'll be the one to protect you from…_

_A will to survive and a voice of reason._

"Shhh… I'm not angry…" The voice cooed, sending Yuki into a panic as the arms continued to ensnare him in an inescapable cage. "…I…understand…"

"_I_ understand that you are weak…and feeble minded, love." Warm breath brushed against his skin as he felt this truth sink in. "You are a pathetic, wretched creature…and did what is in your nature to do. How could I _possibly_ be angry with you?"

_I'll be the one to protect you from…_

_Your enemies and your choices son._

"But…_you_ must understand _this_, precious… You _stole_ from me…and recompense _must_ be made." And Yuki felt Akito drift away from him and out of the bed, sending him into a dizzying spiral of chaos and fear.

_One in the same,_

_I must isolate you…_

"…yes…" The voice mused, becoming harder…colder. "Something _must_ be done to teach you, pet. So this _never_ happens again…" Yuki's body began to tremble uncontrollably as he curled in on himself protectively in the bed.

"Akito…please…" Yuki whimpered, squeezing his eyes shut against the tears forming on his lashes, knowing no amount of pleading would save him from his fate.

_Isolate and save you from yourself._

"…if you want what is mine, precious…then I must _make_ you work for it…" Akito hissed, and before Yuki had time to react he was viciously ripped from the safety of his bed by one of his legs…his head making a sickening thud as it bounced off of the floor.

"YOU WANT TO BE NUMB?!" Akito began to shriek as his foot came crashing into Yuki's ribs. "THEN FIRST YOU NEED TO FEEL PAIN!" And Yuki began to gasp for breath as waves of fire trailed themselves along his ribs from each blow.

_Swayin' to the rhythm of the new world order and!_

Yuki bit down on his tongue, his mouth filling with blood as he began to cough, feeling in run its way down his throat. A crushing blow from Akito's heal straight into his sternum caused him to vomit into his mouth as he began to choke.

_Count the bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drums!_

Instinctively rolling to his side and curling in on himself, Yuki tried to protect himself from the blows to his body as Akito's foot continued its devastation. He felt a sickening snap as another agonizing blow crashed violently into his ribs. Something was broken… A flash of light blurred his vision as he felt the pain of a vicious connection to the middle of his spine as his body began to seize up and spasm uncontrollably.

_The boogeymen are coming!_

_The boogeymen are coming!_

Gasping for air Yuki could hear heavy, weighted breathing behind him. Akito was growing fatigued. And Yuki prayed to Heaven that this would be over soon. That he would live. He needed to live. He…wanted it. To be alive. He didn't want to die…not like this. Not like this. Without warning another brilliant flash of light flooded his vision as he felt the sickening thud of Akito's foot making contact with his head, driving it further against the hard surface of the floor. His body went dangerously lax as silence filled the room, the only sound his own shallow breathing and the labored gasping beside him.

_Keep your head down! Go to sleep! To the rhythm of the war drums!_

Seconds…minutes…hours… Time was slipping away. Everything…was slipping. Into darkness. He could feel his body dying. Each breath becoming harder to draw in. His muscles were twitching and seizing, rippling and moving without his command. But…it was over. Finally…

"Yuki, dear…" A voice whispered tenderly to him as he felt his body moved…every muscle and bone screaming out in agony as he was rolled to his back.

Yuki felt his head tenderly caressed and cradled on something pleasantly soft and warm. His name was called again, and for a moment he couldn't understand why everything was so dark…until his lashes fluttered and flickered open. Akito's face gazed down on him tenderly…but…the whole room felt in constant motion. Why were they moving? Yuki closed his eyes again, and felt the stillness of his own body. No movement. As his eyes opened again, Akito's face slowly came back into focus…and the room began to move again. Something was wrong… Terribly wrong. Trying desperately to focus on his tormenters gentle features, Yuki realized with a sudden shock of horror that his eyes were constantly drifting, making the whole world spin out of control.

_"Stay with me…"_ The voice murmured to him…and Yuki began to whimper against this invitation…he didn't want to stay.

_Safe and ignorant._

Tears began to trail down Yuki's cheeks. Thin fingers found their way through Yuki's hair again, tenderly comforting him.

"Shhh…" Akito cooed tenderly. "I know it's painful now…but…" He murmured as he continued to comfort Yuki. "I am willing to share what is mine to ease your suffering, love."

"…no…" Yuki whimpered, his breath barely having power to form the word…he didn't want it…he didn't want to die…

_"Just, stay with me…"_ The voice whispered, and Yuki felt the old familiar sting of his lover as the warmth of its embrace wrapped itself around him…holding him…binding him…dragging him down.

"…no…" Yuki's lips moved in silence as his body lost the power to protest.

_Hold you and protect you from the other ones_.

_The evil ones…_

_Don't love you son…_

Feeling himself unwillingly pulled into the undertow, Yuki knew. He _knew_ that this would be the last time his eyes opened. There was nothing left of his broken body to pull him back into the light. Nothing. And as the warmth of his lover crept itself along his body, easing his pain, Yuki heard a tender voice distantly muffled as it spoke of his end.

_"Go back to sleep…"_

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**A/N: Featured lyrics in this chapter are from the song "Pet" by A Perfect Circle. Again, and as always, I recommend that this segment be paired with the youtube video "A Perfect Circle-Thirteenth Step (Full Album)" by Aaron Fraser.**


	11. Lullaby

**We are nearing the end, my children. And I feel ****compelled to offer you all a rare gift. To be able to choose. Live or die. Live or die. Should Yuki live...or...die. Leave your wish in a review...and I may be swayed. If not...the choice will be left up to me. **

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_Go back to sleep..._

No…

He wanted to wake up…

He needed…

To wake up…

_Go back to sleep…_

He wanted to live…

_Go back to sleep…_

Feeling himself teetering on the verge of life and death… He hear _it_… Heard..._them_…

_Go back to sleep…go back to sleep…go back to sleep…go back to sleep…_

…distant humming lulling him away from the land of the living… A choir of calamity calling him into eternal darkness…

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**A/N: Featured lyrics in this chapter are from the song "Lullaby" by A Perfect Circle. Again, and as always, I recommend that this segment be paired with the youtube video "A Perfect Circle-Thirteenth Step (Full Album)" by Aaron Fraser.**


	12. Gravity

**Okay, children. This is the last song of the album. This song, too, is particularly close to my heart and my soul. Featured lyrics in this chapter are from the song "Gravity" by A Perfect Circle. Again, and as always, I recommend that this segment be paired with the youtube video "A Perfect Circle-Thirteenth Step (Full Album)" by Aaron Fraser. Thank you all for your love and support of this pet project Keep the love alive, and the music cranked up.**

* * *

He sat on the floor where he had been left… Staring at his hands. His gaze came hollow, his features drawn and worn. His breath shallow as it jerked his chest in small…painful movements. Every breath hurt. Every breath…agony. It hurt…to be. Alive.

Horrifying, blurred memories flashed through his mind. Pain. Excruciating agony. Violent screams and vial words. Fear. Overwhelming, all-encompassing fear. Followed by…nothing. It was the nothingness that had scared him most. Everything else had pointed to the fact that he had survived. But…the nothingness…

_Lost again…_

As he continued to gaze blankly at his hands… He knew. _Knew_ something was wrong. _Terribly_ wrong. The world had finally stopped spinning, his eyes having steadied themselves. But…his hands. As he stared at them, they continued their disturbing display. Slow…steady…rhythmic twitching and rocking moved through his hands. His expression furrowed as he laced his fingers together over his knees. The motion stopped and his hands were stilled. A sigh of relief passed his dry chalky lips as his expression smoothed back over. As he slowly separated his entwined fingers a quiet gasp of horror escaped him as his hands began to rock and shake again of their own accord.

_Broken and weary,_

_Unable to…_

_Find my way._

Putting his hands to his face he began to sob bitterly…despite the searing pain in his ribs and back. He was broken. He knew it. Could feel it. Damaged and ruined. And worst of all… He had been left alone. Broken down and unworthy of being saved… Of being loved… He continued to weep on the floor, his course jagged sobs the only company he kept now.

Broken and exhausted from his punishment and the lingering trace of his tears, Yuki slowly moved his body to the floor. Placing his cheek carefully to the cool comfort of the hard surface, laying himself as best he could, a shuddered breath passed his lips as he stared at the light dancing along the surface of his old quarters.

_Tail in hand…_

_Dizzy and clearly unable to…just,_

_Let this go._

Letting his body sink into the floor, Yuki focused on the light. So warm and inviting, bringing out the different colors of his surroundings. So warm… His body feeling so cold and far removed from that light.

_I am…_

_Surrendering,_

_To gravity and the unknown._

His mind wandered from the light filling and warming the room…to…a different kind of light. _Her_ light. He needed her. To be here. To survive. But…he was so broken. He knew. _Knew_ he would never be able to hold on to her.

_Catch me…_

_Heal me…_

_Lift me back up to the sun…_

But he needed her all the same. He needed her…to live.

_…I choose to live…_

It was very small…but…it was there…

…a part him wanted to live…

But…

He was broken. Inside. And out.

_I fell again…_

_Like a baby unable to…stand,_

_On my own._

As he lay on the floor cold, hard bitterness began to sink in. He had fallen. Violently shoved back into the arms of his old lover…by _him_. And, he doubted that either one would let him go now. Everything was as it should be. He had been pulled back to the ground by agony and sweet release. Pain first. Pain _always_ came first. But…there was also a promise… A gift, of sorts. A reward for his suffering.

_Tail in hand…_

_Dizzy and clearly unable to…just,_

_Let this go._

He hadn't understood at first. His lashes finally fluttering against unconsciousness to the gray morning light and Akito gazing over him. He hadn't understood… The gentle smile. The comforting touch.

_High and…_

_Surrendering,_

_To gravity and the unknown._

He had been so sure he was going to die. So very sure. That was what he had deserved. Maybe even hoped for. Maybe…

But being cradled so tenderly by the one who had caused so much pain? It felt wrong. But, he wanted it. With the numbness of his lover's embrace slowly leaving his body…he had wanted it. Comfort. Solace. Something to hold him as he felt himself falling apart.

_Catch me…_

_Heal me…_

_Lift me back up to the sun…_

He hadn't understood the tender way Akito had spoken to him as he felt the embrace of his lover being supplanted by the reality of what had really happened. He had been broken. And he knew he had earned this suffering. But…he didn't understand…at first…

_…I choose to live…_

_…I choose to live…_

_…I choose to live…_

But now. As Akito's _benevolence_ lay there on the floor with him, Yuki finally understood.

_Catch me…_

_Heal me…_

_Lift me back up to the sun!_

The cruelty of this _gift_ taunted him. Whispered to him, spreading its poison in his mind. His heart. Told him of his own weakness. It called to him like a lover. His lover. It whispered of how it had waited for him to come back. It knew he would. And it wanted to take him back, even as he had once foolishly tried to turn his back…this lover had never left him. It wanted to hold and caress him in its embrace. Ease his pain and suffering, as any loyal lover would.

As broken as he was…it still loved him.

_Help me survive the bottom!_

Slowly…ever so slowly…he stretched his trembling fingers along the floor to reach out for his lover…

_Calm these hands before,_

_…they…_

Cruelly placed just out of his reach, Yuki let out a whimper of desperation. He would have to move his broken body. Would have to crawl to his lover. There was so much pain, and he was so very tired. But his lover gently coaxed him. Beckoning him to its side.

_Snare another pill,_

_…and…_

Everything would be okay…if only he could reach it. Scrapping his broken body slowly along the floor, his slender fingers gently grazed the syringe, causing it to roll away from him. A shuddered gasp escaped his lips as he tried to hold back the tears.

_Drive another nail,_

_…down…_

Was this what he really wanted? Being left hollow…with nothing but a need. A ravenous craving. Dappled with momentary, fleeting peace and sweet release provided by his lover?

_Another needy hole…_

_Please, release me._

Finally touching his lover a sudden, painful realization dawned on him. This was all he had left. He couldn't go back to Tohru. Not after this. Not as broken as he was. And he couldn't find solace in Akito's company. Akito held his death. But…then…so did his lover. He knew this.

_I am…_

_Surrendering,_

_To gravity and the unknown._

His life was in his lover's hands. And his lover was finally in his. All of his fear. All of his pain. Regret. Shame. His lover promised to ease it all for him. All he had to do was embrace it…and not ask what it wanted in return. Don't ask about the cost, it whispered. Just let his lover wrap around him and make a home in his broken body. His broken heart. His broken soul. Fix him. His lover would fix him.

_Catch me…_

_Heal me…_

_Lift me back up to the sun…_

Slowly rolling over to his back, pain drug its fingers along his body as he cried out feebly. Yuki tried to steady his hands enough to hold his lover. To let it in. His body was open. He was ready. Just let his lover in. The bitter kiss of his lover was made excruciating from the shaking of his own hands. But it was done. They were united. Consummated in a final embrace of pleasure spiked with pain.

_…I choose to live…_

Feeling himself drift along in his lover's embrace, Yuki stared at the ceiling of his old quarters. Watching the light dance along the surface, he once again thought of _her_. He desperately wished she were here as he felt his heart slow and his breathing grow dangerously shallow. Being pulled into the darkness, he wished she had been able to keep her promise to him. That she would have stayed. He didn't blame her, though. How could he, when this was what he deserved. To be alone.

But…as he felt the cold begin to creep along his skin and numbness take him over completely…he wondered. If she had stayed. Would things have ended differently…?

_…I choose to live…_


	13. Epilogue: The Thirteenth Step

**In creating this story, I have uncovered a heated debate. Some say that the thirteenth step is one into complete recovery. Some say the thirteenth step is relapse back into addiction. But...those of us who know addiction intimately, know this one truth. The thirteenth step...is death.**

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She didn't understand. Things had been getting better... Why? She had never felt angry before. But…she felt angry now. Angry and confused. And sad. A gentle hand grounded her. Staving off the darker emotions lingering in her soul. Large and strong, it gave her a comforting squeeze.

Azure eyes met steel in a moment of understanding. Both mourning. Both biting back rage. Both fighting back tears of a wounded lover. Both left completely abandoned and lost.

She had resorted to taking solace in his steely gaze. Kyo was nowhere to be found. He, too, had abandoned her. Left to grieve in his own way. The two she had come to rely on…and they had _both_ left her. _Both_ of them.

Shigure too, had gone into hiding. Taking to locking himself in his office. Devoting himself to his novels. Driving himself into an alcoholic stupor and work frenzy. Needing to keep himself numb and busy. Stave off the guilt. He too, had abandoned her. In the end…there was only one. One who was willing to bear the pain along with her. One who was strong enough to stay.

"Haru…" She whispered up to him as he continued to hold her hand.

"Yeah?" His monotone voice carried on the wind as it tousled her auburn hair.

"Why?" Her voice came broken as her gaze drifted back to the gravestone…a question she had asked him before…one he still didn't have the answer to.

As they stood in silence, holding each other's hands and gazing at the gravestone, memories floated along the wind. Ones they shared. Ones that were completely their own. Ones that tormented them.

But the fact remained that there was a truth they shared. Nothing would ever be the same. Ever. Another glance. A nod. And their paid respects were over. Continuing to hold each other's hands as they exited the cemetery, Tohru took one last glance behind her. At the one fallen…but not forgotten. Never forgotten. Her gaze meeting the hard granite script she had committed to memory.

_Yuki Sohma_

_Lost soul, claimed to providence_

_May he find peace_

_3.15.2015_


End file.
